


Rules for Stray Cats

by timberwolfoz



Category: Highlander: The Series
Genre: Crack, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-23
Updated: 2013-05-23
Packaged: 2017-12-12 18:06:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/814450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timberwolfoz/pseuds/timberwolfoz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chronicles Methos' and Duncan MacLeod's efforts to resist a stray cat moving in on them.  For 'resist', read, 'succumb at every step.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rules for Stray Cats

**Author's Note:**

> Total Crack!Fic, based on "Rules For Stray Cats", various versions of which are floating around the internet.  
> I wrote this years ago, during my community care days -- in fact it practically wrote itself, scrolling through my head during one work day. I put it down to the Windex. ;)  
> Thanks to pat_t for the look-over of the original.

**1\. Stray cats will not be fed.**

"It's meowing."

"Well, feed it something, Methos."

"Uh- _uh._ We feed it, it'll move in on us. I know cats."

"But it's _hungry!"_

"Tough. There's plenty of rodents about."

"You've seen one?" 

"MacLeod? They're there. They're always there."

"Well, all the more reason to take in a cat…"

_"No."_

**2\. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food.**

"Stuff this. I can't stand that meowing. I'm gonna go to the store and get some of that dry cat food. You know, the crunchy stuff."

"Methos. Surely we can find something to feed it."

"Oh no. We feed it human food, it's gonna get used to it. And then it'll be hanging around the house demanding it. And you know what'll happen then?"

"Um… this household'll be up one cat?"

_"No_ , MacLeod."

**3\. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with a little milk.**

"So now you're adding milk to its cat food?"

"MacLeod. You could dynamite that stuff and it wouldn't break it. How do you expect cat teeth to get through it?"

"So get something else."

"That would be wasting money. And it's only a stray."

"Yeah, yeah."

**4\. Stray cats will not be fed anything, except dry cat food moistened with warm milk, yummy treats and leftover fish scraps.**

"Here, kitty kitty kitty. Nice kittty. What've we got for you today? Look, we warmed up the milk today! And there's mac'n'cheese, and some lovely fish scraps…"

"Ah- _hah!_ Caught you!"

"Sod off, MacLeod."

**5\. Stray cats will not be encouraged to make this house their permanent residence.**

"Here kitty kitty kitty! Breakfast! Here, kitty kit – ah, there you are. Oh yes, you like your morning scritchies, yes you do yes you do – OK, OK, breakfast. Jeez, talk about cupboard love – yeah, yeah, you're only kissing my arm because I've got the food, yeah, yeah, oh we love the nose smears, yes we do…"

**6\. Stray cats will not be petted, played with, picked up and cuddled unnecessarily.**

"Methos, why are you carrying the cat around your neck?"

"What cat?"

"The one around your neck."

"What neck?"

**7\. Stray cats that are petted, played with, picked up and cuddled will absolutely not be given a name.**

"Come on Midnight, come on kitty, dinnertime…"

"I still think we should have called her Dammit."

"Nah, she's too docile to merit it. Now, there was this cat I knew in 856…"

**8\. Stray cats with or without a name, will not be allowed inside the house at any time.**

"What? I tried to keep her out, she was too fast for me!"

"You were the one who said she wasn't allowed inside the house, Methos."

"She isn't allowed, she snuck in. There's a difference."

**9\. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except at certain times.**

" _mmmph._ Methos? Where're you going?"

"To let the cat in."

"It's _two in the morning!"_

"It's also freezing out there! Can't you hear her crying?"

*sigh* "Whatever…"

**10\. Stray cats will not be allowed inside the house, except on days ending in "y".**

"Typical. Now he's decided you're allowed inside, I'm the cat butler, instead of His Lordship?"

"And I thought the Scots made good butlers."

"Oh yeah? Name me one."

"Mr Hudson."

"Real life, not fictional."

"Um, can I get back to you on that?"

**11\. Stray cats allowed inside, will not be permitted to jump up on or sharpen their claws on the furniture.**

"Methos? Why is the cat hanging by her claws from back of the couch?"

"Maybe she thinks she's a sloth."

"Isn't that both front and back legs?"

"OK, _half_ -sloth then."

**12\. Stray cats will not be permitted to, jump up on or sharpen claws on the really good furniture.**

_"Methos!_ The cat's sharpening its claws on my antique chair!"

"So? She's distressing it."

"Any more distressed, it'd be crying."

"Ha, ha."

**13\. Stray cats will be permitted on all furniture, but must sharpen claws on new $114.99 sisal-rope cat-scratching post with three perches.**

"That's right, puss, clever puss, you see? You sharpen your claws like that, you see? On that nice ro – what're you – no, not my _hair!"_

"Always said you had hair like a black woolly sheep, Mac."

"Piss off, Methos."

**14\. Stray cats will answer the call of nature outdoors in the sand.**

"Bloody _hell! 2a.m.!_ Can't you cross your legs?"

**15\. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the three-piece, high-impact plastic tray filled with Fresh'n'Sweet kitty litter.**

"She won't go when I'm in the same room."

"Well would you like to be stared at while you're taking a crap?"

"Methos. She does."

"Might I remind you it was _your_ idea to put the tray in the bathroom?"

**16\. Stray cats will answer the call of nature in the hooded litter pan, with a three-panel privacy screen and plenty of head room.**

"Is she still in there?"

"I think she goes in there to contemplate."

"Like you? All she needs is a newspaper."

"I do _not."_

"MacLeod. Why do you think I was threatening to piss in the sink?"

"You have a half a teaspoon capacity?"

"Bollocks. Complete and utter bollocks."

**17\. Stray cats will sleep outside.**

"I swear she looks cold."

_"No,_ MacLeod. We let her sleep inside, that's the end."

"You were the one who let her in at 2 a.m."

"Well, she sure as hell didn't sleep, did she?"

"That, or the Berkeley Hunt was in our front hall."

**18\. Stray cats will sleep in the garage.**

"Methos, why are there paw prints on my Thunderbird?"

"Um, the cat sleeps there? And you keep it in the garage?"

"For God's sakes, Methos, it's a classic car!"

"With a nice warm bonnet."

"Fine. We take _your_ car from now on."

**19\. Stray cats will sleep in the house.**

"Kitty kitty kitty kitty kitty! Bedtime! C'mon, I'm not holding the door for you all night!"

**20\. Stray cats will sleep in a cardboard box lined with an old blanket.**

"Dammit, Methos, did you have to use my kilt?"

"It's old! It's wool! It's soft!"

*sigh* "I don't know why I even bother…"

**21\. Stray cats will sleep in the special Kitty-Komfort-Bed with non-allergenic lambswool pillow.**

"You think it's warm enough for her?"

"Why don't you sleep with your head in there and find out?"

"And wake at 3 a.m. with a cat wrapped around my face? It'd be worse than _Alien_ , it would."

"What?"

"Jesus, MacLeod, have you seen _any_ film in the last thirty years that doesn't have subtitles?"

**22\. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed.**

"Dammit."

"MacLeod, you kick the cat out, I kick you out."

**23\. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed, except at the foot.**

"Arrrgh!"

"What?"

"Goddamned cramp! Because I can't stretch out! Because of the cat!"

"You're immortal. You'll heal. _szzzzzzzz…"_

**24\. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers.**

"Mmmmm… Methos, you never said you had a mink glove."

"I don't."

_"Yipe!"_

**25\. Stray cats will not be allowed to sleep in our bed under the covers, except at the foot.**

_"Cat!_ That _tickles."_

"You were the one who said, foot of the bed… it's not her fault if you've got ticklish feet."

"You run this place around that cat."

"That's what cats are for."

"Honestly, Methos, I wonder who comes first here. 'Husband and cat missing. Reward for cat.'"

"Oh, come on, Mac, there's things you do for me that she can't."

"Such as?"

"Well, _this_ for one…"

"Mmmm."

"Mmmmm…."

"OW!"

"What?!"

"That goddamned cat bit me!"

"Well, you probably poked her with your foot."

"Actually…"

"Well, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah. Sorry, puss."

"OK, bring that foot up here…now, where were we?"

**26\. Stray cats will not play on the desk.**

"Cat, stop skidding through my financial statements."

**27\. Stray cats will not play on the desk, near the computer.**

_"Cat! That_ mouse is not your prey!"

**28\. Stray cats are forbidden to walk on the computer keyboard on the desk, when the human is asdfjjhhkl;ljfd.;oier'puyykmm4hb USING IT.**

"Mac _Leod!_ Will you come and get the cat? I'm trying to write a paper!"

"Might I remind you she's your cat?"

"Might I remind you that a cat is owned by nobody?"

"Which means I have to come and get her, right?"

"Yop."

"I swear, Methos, you are going to owe me big time…"

"Payment in kind again?"

"Sex maniac."

"Pot. Kettle. Black."

_"Shhh._ Not in front of the child."

"MacLeod, just in case you hadn't noticed…"


End file.
